Jobs Sister Alice should never ever EVER have

--Commedian--

"-at's when I realized I was wearing her bra! A bada-bum, you get that dipshits? Yeah, I see that guy in third row knows what I'm talking about, the pervert! I can smell you getting hot and bothered from here. The Hell kind of stuff you get off to, Grannys Gone Wi-"

"BOO! You suck!"

"...Excuse me. Did you just interrupt me? Are you heckling me? Shut up! It was a retorical question, numbnuts. Do you get your jollies off of heckling old ladies? Does it make you feel big? Does it fill the void of your monotonous nine to five job? Does it make those hours for you sitting glass eyed and slackjawed at a computer screen regretting you never went for that degree easier? But you know, really, why you never got that degree. You could have gotten it if you applied yourself, but you were too busy chasing skirts. You bagged and tagged yourself a college sweetheart alright, but youg love tends sour so quickly, doesn't?

"You hate her and can't but help to to see her face attributed to your failures, and you know it's wrong and hate yourself for it. The only joy in your life is fantasizing about the sweet young thing your boss has hired on as his secretary. You dream of steamy encounters in the copy room, and everyday, you work yourself up to ask her out. But you don't. And you never will. Now quit your blubbering and get the fuck out of my auditorium.

".....Wasn't that juicy stuff audience? Seeing as I seem to have overstayed my welcome, hows about a little histroy trivia. In Ye Days of Olde and Shite, jesters were the only ones who could tell the King and Queen the truth without fear of execution. Usually."



--Kids' TV Show Personality--

"Hey kids, today we're going to learn about the letter 'F'."


--Charity Event Organiser--

"...The fuck is this? Two hundred bucks? I wouldn't wipe wipe my ass with your two hundred bucks. I don't think you quite understand the scope of things there. You see that. That's a motherfucking panda. It's cute and adorable and the national symbol of China. You wanna be the fucker who goes down in history as a mass panda murdering sociopath. You wanna be remmebered as the guy rememberd by kids as 'Mom, wy aren't there any pandas anymore', except he'd say it sounding way more diseased sounding because kids are fucking disgusting, and then the Mom'd go 'Oh I'm sorry honey but this fucker killed 'em all!' Is that what you want? You are going to give until it hu-THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?! DONATE OR I'LL RIP YOUR GODDAMN THROAT OUT WITH MY TEETH!....A wise choice, sir. You an' me, we are going to save some mother fucking pandas."

--Walmart Greeter--

"Welcome to Walmart, get your shit and get out........................God, I hate Walmart."